


And They Linger

by keyarel



Series: Among the Breaks [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Among the Breaks (part three), Angst, It's Not Good, M/M, This Is STUPID, bestie alfred, cheating antonio maybe, idk what is this, spamano - Freeform, the end of the series?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 18:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16539440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keyarel/pseuds/keyarel
Summary: Everything is entirely different from what it was used to be. Lovino hates the familiar look on Antonio’s face, and wishes it isn’t directed at him.





	And They Linger

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh a [playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqBuXQLR4Y8&list=PLxqNeleOgGvWjOHID5XI2hvGZ4XXENc2I) i've done which i don't think,,,, that it really aligns with the series, y'know? but i've listened to some of the songs there while i was writing and gave me Feels. ok bye see ya at the end notes.

IT’S BEEN A FACT THAT events in life are surprising, even when you expect it or not. I know that fact and I hate it. There are some events that I’m not entirely prepared for that were suddenly shoved into my face, and then I wouldn’t know how to act nor even think. It isn’t an ideal situation at all. I wish it doesn’t happen to me for almost all the time. Unfortunately, it does; an example would be right now.

     The quiet, muffled music still can be heard even after crossing the street to somehow find a quieter place, but not too far from the party. How I ended up agreeing to go to a party, I don’t know; although deep inside my mind, I blame my brother for bringing it up and dragging me. Now here I am, under the white light of the streetlight along with the yellow light provided by the moon. It feels like a déjà vu somehow, standing here with a cold breeze gently passing by and thinking what to say to the man beside me. Something lodges up my throat for maybe the fifth time today.

     “What do you want to talk about?” I say, and I could swear I also said the same thing before. I try to swallow the something that settled in my throat. He stays quiet just like before. I gather the courage to speak up again, “It’s a cold night. How are you holding up wearing those?”

     ‘How are you holding up without me?’ my mind supplies, and I immediately dispersed the thought away. I shouldn’t think about that right now.

     “I got used to it,” he says. I look over at him. He’s looking at the gigantic house across the street where the party was held; where we met again after months of no contact. It’s awkward, and I hope it wasn’t just me feeling it. I hope he does too.

     “It’s weird looking at you now,” I see his eyes shift over to me. I look away with a tightening chest. “I mean, you never wear light clothes in a cold weather before and it’s new to me.”

     “And you haven’t changed.”

     Tears well up in my eyes, and I blink those away. I look up at the yellow moon. Whether he’s talking about my choice of clothing in this kind of weather or just me in general, I don’t know, but it certainly did something to squeeze the life out of my heart. It hurts. I take a deep breathe to calm myself down and cleared my throat.

     “How do you say so?” my voice sounded pretty weak, and I just hope he won’t address it.

     “You’re still…” he stops and I wonder what’s up with that. “You’re still you, I guess. The same old Lovino I knew.”

     I want to disagree with him, but my mind betrays me. I couldn’t think of what to say to him, so I settled with a quiet hum that I’m not sure whether he heard it or not. I think he did. We welcome the silence that envelopes us, paying attention instead to the somewhat humming music that came from the house across the street.

     “How are you?”

     I want to say that I’m not fine, that I’m feeling conflicted with him here, that I still need more time to move on to get the most appropriate closure I can get. I want to say that I haven’t been the same ever since, and that I’m still getting back on my feet after that, but then he came and made me feel things that I’ve desperately trying to get rid of again. I want to say that I don’t want to see him yet; I can’t, not right now. I didn’t say anything similar to that. I lied instead.

     “I’ve been fine,” I reply. “Just like you said, I’m still the same. Nothing much has changed.”

     A beat passes.

     “How about you; how have you been, Toni?”

     I notice him crossing his arms, tensing just slightly; I don't know if it's from the cold or from my question. Then he replies: "It was a hard year without you."

     I hate his reply. I pull at the sleeves of my jacket and clench my fists. I wish he didn't say that. I wish I didn't hear that. I wish I hadn't looked at him when he said that, seeing that stupid, familiar look on his stupid face again. It was a hard year for me too, trying to get his stupid face and the memories off my mind. And, dare I say, it was also hard trying to list the things that I might've done wrong. I recall the time where I hadn't gone out my bedroom for a week, spending my time there crying or just staring at the ceiling while thoughts ran about in my head, and I was the fool who succumbed to them, not until Feliciano and Nonno thought that it was enough. It was a rough experience.

     I don't want to go through that again.

     "Please don't look at me like that." I whisper, watching as his face contorts into confusion before he got what I was implying, then he directed that look at me again. I fucking hate him so much.

     “I can’t stop, Lovino,” he whispers back. I hate him. “I can’t stop loving you.”

     “Stop this, Toni.”

     “Why do you want me to stop?”

     He reaches out and caresses my cheek, and only then I had realized that I’m crying. His hand, although cold, warms up my inside like it had before, and the unwanted feelings I had for him started to resurface in my chest. I had feared this. I move away from him, shaking my head and wiping my tears. This has to stop.

     “Why are you doing this?” I ask, because I honestly don’t know why he decided to do this to me. He takes a step forward, but I stepped back. He seems to get that I don’t want him near me. “Antonio, answer me. Please.”

     “I want us back.” He says. “When I told you that it’s been hard without you, it’s true. I can’t—I didn’t know what to do. Without you at the apartment, it was all so strange. I—I missed you, Lovino. I want you back. I want you in my arms again, I want to see you happy because of me again, I want you to be with me again, I want—I want you to love me again. Because this time, I’ll love you with all my heart. I still love you, Lovino, and I don’t want us to fall apart like it did before.”

     I shake my head. As much as I want to be with him, I can’t do it. I don’t want to get back with him when I spent an entire year trying to forget him. It would be a stupid decision; a really, really stupid one. My heart wants to be stupid.

     “But what if it doesn’t work out again?” I ask him. My voice sounded unsteady. “What if it’s not love what you’re feeling, Toni? What if you’re just missing me because I’ve been with you for years and you’ve unconsciously became dependent on me?”

     “What if it worked out this time?” says Antonio, reaching out for me. “Just give me a chance, Lovi, I’ll—I love you, okay? I promise that I’m not bluffing.”

     There is now a fine, cold drizzle falling, and the wind has risen from its uncertain puffs into a steady blow. I tuck myself further in my jacket, although it didn’t actually help that much since we went out into the cold night earlier. I watch as a couple stumbled out of the house opposite from us, laughing and kissing and touching each other as if the other will go away if neither did.

     We were like that once upon a time.

     They walk away, and I still hear their laugh despite the equally loud speakers booming from the inside. My heart aches for what seems to be the millionth time that day.

     We could be like that again.

     “Antonio, I really can’t. I’m—” not ready? I’m too weak? I’m afraid to be hurt again? I don’t know what to answer him, but I definitely want to say all of those to him.

     “I’m sorry.” He says, and it was the exact same thing he said that echoed throughout the room we once shared. It was the exact same thing he said that had echoed throughout my chest and my mind. I wish everything was easy, but it would never be like that, and I understand. “Just say no, and I’ll give you the space you want to move on. I’m sorry we met like this, and then have the nerve to say all this shit to you when you're not even ready to meet me yet.”

     He pauses. The shared memories we had all came back to me so sudden that it almost knocked me off balance, but I managed to catch myself at the last minute. He didn’t seem to notice at all. He never does. I close my eyes and think. It was also hard to think when there are a lot of things in my mind. The wind blows gently against my face, and some of the stray strands of my hair sway with it. Then there’s warmth, and I softly gasp as I open my eyes, looking at Antonio as he tucked the stray strands behind my ear, where it originally belonged.

     My mind blanked and all I could hear suddenly is the chants of ‘accept him’ over and over again.

     I dumbly follow what they said, and now I’m engulfed with the familiar warmth I’ve yearned for a long time. It's embarrassing how submissive I become when it comes to him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I stop from where I’m standing, the surroundings suddenly freezing and there’s a string of silence that seemed to mock me. My company continues to walk, but I didn’t see him turn around to look for me when I’m pretty occupied with the scene I’m witnessing only just a few feet apart from where I stood.

     I see Antonio share a laugh and a kiss with someone I don’t know, and there’s the familiar clench of my heart but it felt numb. I wish that this is all a dream and I wake up just before the party I’m forced to go to then I wouldn’t have been so dumb and stupid to believe that all would work out just like it was ‘supposed’ to.

     I didn’t wake up from a bad dream, but rather to a reality I should’ve opened my eyes to.

     We weren’t meant to be and it was only a hopeless love on my part.

     “Hey, Vino,” Alfred calls out to me which pulls me out of my inner breakdown. I acknowledge him as he jogs back to me. “You okay, dude? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

     “I’m fine, let’s just—let’s just go.”

     I walk away and prepares myself for what is about to happen later. My thoughts went wild as I take every step, and I’m unable to think properly anymore. Alfred and I are embraced by the unwelcome silence, laughing at me quietly. And it lingers until I got home, until Antonio got home, until I leave the apartment we shared and as I step out into a cold night.

**Author's Note:**

> hi, hello, we meet again
> 
> i present you the final part of Among the Breaks series! we've reached the last part, and i am truly sorry because it isn't good and it's too short and i wish i made this a little longer because,, it seemed so rushed and it will confuse tf outta you  
> to be completely honest, i myself don't know what is happening anymore but uh the best conclusion i have for you is that they became together again, then broke up, all because they're not meant to be. they were never meant to be from the start, hence "Among the Breaks (Is a Hopeless Love)"
> 
> rip spamano
> 
> might edit this someday tho!
> 
> i hope you guys liked the series, and thank you for all the support! feel free to leave comments, and some advice would be fine too,,
> 
> see y'all whenever ;)


End file.
